Friday, August 25, 2006


After much soul searching and incredibly deep (for me) thought, I have made a life altering decision! I am moving! Yes, I will soon be relocating to the country of 'UbetchaIcansneakinastan' (a purely fictional country, for those of you who are hoping this might actually be true). Well, I am not REALLY moving, as such. I am sneaking in as an illegal alien. It just works better that way. No passport, no paperwork, no legal requirements, none of that darned citizenship stuff to complicate matters down the road. Just gonna sneak in! It's simply a much easier way to do things. All that legal stuff just gets in the way!

My plan is to cross the border at the crack of noon. At my age, I don't function well early in the day. In fact, that snap, crackle and pop I heard when I got up this morning was NOT my breakfast cereal! But, I digress. I will then proceed to out run (hah) the border patrol, and then, with the utmost stealth and cunning (or dumb luck), I shall blend in with the locals, never to be heard from again (don't get your hopes up, remember this is pure fiction). Pretty darn simple. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together!

Now why, you may be asking, would I be doing such a thing? Why would I leave this wonderful (AND IT IS) country of ours for such a place as 'UbetchaIcansneakinastan'? I could be like the mountain climbers and wistfully say, "Because it's there", but there is a lot more to it than that. Here are my top ten (according to old David Whatshisname) reasons for leaving:

1) I can earn minimum wage from an employer who has absolutely no regard for the law.
2) I can get a driver's license with virtually no effort, even though I cannot prove citizenship.
3) Some of their universities will give me free or cut rate tuition based on the fact I am illegal.
4) I will never have to learn their language.
5) The UCLU will fight to get me amnesty, and not even charge me to do it. They will get reimbursed by the government with tax payer money.
6) I can, at a later date, sneak the rest of my family into the country without fear of reprisal.
7) I never have to pay taxes.
8) I can get free medical attention because I am not a citizen.
9) I don't have to listen to their politicians pander (not a typo) my fate in exchange for future voting privileges.
10) And finally, the tottl dummn arrses maak sttupd lawws und nveer ennfrce thmm.

I wrote number ten in the 'UbetchaIcansneakinastan' language to point out how ludicrous it is to have just one national language. Translated, it means "So why would anyone give up all this just to be a citizen?"

Does any of this sound familiar? Could it be happening here? Hmmmm.

You can only achieve total idiocy in government through a bi-partisan effort, and we've got the folks in Washington to prove it!

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